Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Lets talk about sex, Ba-by!

So, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine recently. She started telling me about a book she was reading about women and sex. There is a section of the book that talks about how women are raised to believe they shouldn't enjoy sex as much as men should. If a woman enjoys her sexuality and exploring it, she's considered a magnitude of not so nice names but for a man, its completely normal not only to enjoy sex but to explore and experiment with sex. This practice goes back for years: men take lovers and its okay but the women who are their lovers are now tainted. Of course, it isn't to that extreme today but I think its still an issue for women. Being raised this way can make it so women are ashamed or afriad to admit their sexual desires, sometimes even to their husbands. What will he think of me? Does it make me weird that I want to try something different in the bedroom?

My friend and I were talking about all of these things and she said that its hard for her to tell her husband what she wants and I think its like that for a lot of women. Will he get offended? Will he look at me differently? I think that romance novels and now erotic romance as well are helping women to free themselves from what they've been taught or witnesses from a young age. Is it okay to enjoy sex? Hell yeah! Does it make you somehow dirty if you want to try new and exciting things with your significant other? Nope! In my opinion it adds to the relationship to share those fantsies with one another. Now does that mean you should sleep with every man you come across? Of course not but I ask: Whats wrong with two adults in a monogomos relationship, (whether the relationship starts out serious or not, most of the time you don't plan a relationship to turn out seriously, you just fall in love and it happens) enjoying one another sexually? Whats wrong with growing together, experimenting together, and playing out one anothers fantasies? Not a darn thing!

Do you agree or disagree with the books description of how women are raised to view sex? Do you think things are getting better? Any other comments?

Happy Thursday everyone!


Stacy~ said...

Intriguing topic, and I agree with you about it not being wrong or shameful. I guess I was raised differently, because I've never felt that way about sex, or shy about what I like. It's also nice to have friends to talk to about stuff like this - believe me, I've learned a lot from these conversations, and that I'm not the only one who might think a certain way. I'm a big believer in trying something new, and who knows? Maybe the guy wants to try the exact same thing. You just never know ;)

I do know women who felt that they couldn't say anything, who felt uncomfortable about it. A friend of mine said she didn't enjoy sex much with her husband, was afraid to ask for what she liked. Later, after her divorce, she dated and learned to be more assertive, and now she's lovin' it LOL. She's also a more confident and happier person. Not to say that good sex is necessarily the answer, but it gave her the feeling that she is worth it, and that she can go after what she wants in other areas of her life too. I hope other women can benefit from that experience, and use it to enrich their own lives.

Anonymous said...

I don't think women should be shameful of having sex! I think if its ok for men to go boast about it and not get called dirty names then women should be able to do the same! Why should women miss out on the pleasure while men take it for themselves?
I think sex includes two people who both have the same rights. So if one is dragged thru the mud so should the other. Men are not superior beings!! LOL sorry about that venting :)

Paige Tyler said...

I'd say there's definitely a double standard out there. Fortunately, I wasn't brought up to think that sex was something "bad." I'm very comfortable with it! In fact, I was talking to my friend about this and how people don't mind watching a movie or television show with their kids that has violence in it, but if there's a couple kissing or doing anything even a little sexual, they want to shield thei kids! That makes no sense. Sex is natural and not to be avoided, while violence, at least to me, is something to be avoided. She said she hadn't thought of it like that, but that she agreed with me!

Great topic, Kelley!


Kelley said...

Stacy~ It is so nice to have people to talk to about stuff like this. To tell you the truth, I've just recently felt comfortable with it. For me the more I read and write the more I come out of my shell. Plus its helpful that I've met so many people that love the chat about it, LOL.

Crystal- Don't feel like you're venting! Thats what I posted the topic for. I want opinions and to get people thinking.

Paige- I totally agree with the violence on TV VS. Sex. Its crazy to me. On the other hand there are also people who have no problem watching sex on TV (as they shouldn't) but when they find out you write romance it, "Oh, you write those book,". I guess its much different to read it in a book than watch it on TV.

Amy Ruttan said...

Ok totally that's how alot of women feel about sex. It's true when I got married I was so naive about alot of things. Not so much anymore.

I don't think women should feel ashamed about sex, not that I'm saying women should go out boink all over the place (I don't think men should either) but be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality.

Great post!!

Dara Edmondson said...

I'm so glad the latest crop of romance novels no longer paints heroines as virgins! I always hated that assumption.
Like Stacy I wasn't raised to think of sex as shameful - thankfully.

Anne Rainey said...

I was definitely brought up this way. You could have been discussing my upbringing it was so similar to how I was raised. And that's not a slight against my parents, it's just the way things were back then. I am the only girl, I have three older brothers and yes sex was okay for them, but not for me. It's part of the reason behind my tagline 'bringing desire out of the dark'. I want to let women know that feeling desirable and feeling desire are both as natural as breathing. I still struggle with my own sexuality. But, thankfully my husband is tolerant and patient with me and through love I've blossomed.

Now, being the mother of two young girls (ages 14 & 12) it's very important to me to raise them to respect themselves while being proud that they're female. I want them to understand that sexual desire is okay, but acting on that desire is something you do when you are mature enough to understand the consequences. It's a tough job to raise them in this day and age, because so many of my oldest daughters friends have already gone all the way. Do I think that's okay? No. But, my girls and I have an open relationship and I think a lot moms tend to give their kids the unequivocal NO. So, their daughters close up and the line of communication is severed. Instead, I think moms need to just shut up and listen to what their daughters are saying. Be aware, but also teach good morals.

A mom and an author or erotic stories? It's tricky and it's why i write under a pen name. My kids know that I write romance that contains spicy sex scenes. Their friends and teachers don't. My kids also understand that my stories are only appropriate for adults. Some day soon, they'll be reading my books and I think they'll be just as proud then as they are now of their 'author mom'.

My parents who raised me with the 'only bad girls do' code, are now both proud of me for pursuing my love of romance. My mom is my biggest fan. That's a good parent, someone who can grow and change with the times. Someone who can unconditionally accept their child, even if it's not what they envisioned them doing when they're all grown up.

See now, why I waited to answer this? I knew I'd get windy. LOL

Kelley said...

I totally agree with you on how you plan to raise your girls. I'm the same way. As parents we have to understand that they're kids and you can never be sure they won't experiment so giving them the NO will only make it so they don't feel comfortable talking to you. I want my daughter to feel comfortable about who she is. I also want her to know that I'd rather she wait, that I think sex is a decision you should wait until you are older more mature to wait but I also want her to know I'm here for her no matter what. I want her to feel comfortable talking with me. I want to know whats going on in her life! Luckily I have a while before her teenage years!

Thats the main point I want to make, Women should feel comfortable with themselves and their sexuality!

Collette Thomas said...

This is so true and right on the money. I've written a book (about ready to get it published) that addresses this fact in part. It's called Dating Hell/Relationship Heaven, and geared to Baby Boomers. But I have to tell you being in the single world even at MY age it hasn't changed. Men will always enjoy their sexuality, but God forbid that we women express a similar sentiment. And those women who do are more assertvie and do express what they want are at times looked at differently. Have sex with a guy, and before you know it, he's on to his next conquest. Hold back on the sex, and he's coming back to your door again and again....

Me? I'm looking for someone long term because the sexuality I'm looking for isn't accomplished in any one-night stand, i.e. Kama Sutra (Tantric Sex) which requires a commitment longer than it takes to say "Slam Bam, Thank you Ma'am."

I know a few ladies who deny themselve this pleasure simply because of how men would regard them if they were to "partake in pleasures of the flesh."

Yes women, especially in the age of baby boomers do need to ask for what they want behind closed doors.

Collette Thomas said...

Here's another excerpt from my book Dating Hell/Relationship Heaven --

Mary and John Valentis in their book Romantic Intelligence state, "The romantically intelligent woman is sexually open and uninhibited. She is open to experimentation with her partner and is clear and articulate about how she needs to have her sexual needs met. She's strongly attuned to her partner's sexual needs, and ideally, wants to create mutually empathetic lovemaking — a dance of intimacy that satisfies both partners. " This is possible for some, yet I think from what I gather some men marry certain women with the thought that some women are not sexually open enough and inhibited. Some men become somewhat hypocritical when it comes to a woman's sexuality, and may feel intimidated by the idea that their mate knows more or wants more behind those closed doors.

I remember one man telling me he would not do with his wife what he would do with a prostitute. As I reflected on that statement, let's say it enlightened me to the fact as to why his wife might have ended up cheating on him with another man, perhaps looking for more behind that bedroom door. If only they had communicated, maybe she would not have been the one to bolt.
Years after their divorce from what he now tells me he's still not over the fact that she had cheated on him. (And this I find is prevalent among most men whose wives have cheated on them. They do not forget.)
Again if the two had communicated specific needs within their marriage, infidelity might not have occurred.
Collette Thomas